Tuesday, June 19, 2007

If my life were a screenplay...

...this is how it would describe sailing with Jorge:

[A strapping young man with a handsome physique and muscular legs strides down to the shore. This is our protagonist, JORGE. He is followed by two athletic, slightly older men. Jorge shoves a small sailboat off into the water and the other two climb in, looking nervous.]

[A pretty young blonde, with an air of long, patient suffering, follows the men to the boats, watching their progress. This is our heroine, GWYNETH]

GWYNETH: OK, baby, have fun! Be careful! Avoid the hippo! And do not damage the boat!!!

JORGE: Baby, we’ll be fine. Don’t worry.

[Jorge climbs over the side into the boat, and clambers into the back. The boat drifts into a shallow cove, and starts floating sideways]

GWYNETH: Baby, drop the centerboard!

JORGE: OK, OK...I got it now!

GWYNETH: OK, now get the rudder down!

JORGE: I can’t get it – it’s stuck.

[The boat moves closer and closer toward the reeds]

GWYNETH: Aaaah, get back in here! You can’t steer without the rudder! You’re going to break this boat and [Commodore] Dan is going to kill us!

JORGE: OK, I’m coming back in.
[Jorge jumps out of the side of the boat and pushes it back toward the landing spot. The boat cruises forward and, instead of sliding onto the sand, heads straight for the rocks]

GWYNETH: Turn it, turn it! You’re going to hit the rocks!

[The boat slams with a thud and a sickening scrape into a sharp boulder]

GWYNETH: Oh craaaap. Is there a hole?! Did you break the boat?

FRIEND #1: No, it looks OK…no…wait…Oh yeah, there’s a hole…
[in a falsely reassuring voice:] ...no, no, don’t worry, really, it’s more like a scratch.

[Gwyneth climbs around the boat to assess the damage]

GWYNETH: Oh man, you’re going to have to fix that.

JORGE: Nooo, it’s fine! It’ll be fine…

[Gwyneth moves to the back of the boat to check out the rudder]

JORGE: See, I can’t get it to go down.

GWYNETH: Well, just see where this rope ends…

JORGE: Oh…[chuckles] That explains it. It’s tied up still. [JORGE unties the rope] See, no problem.

[Gwyneth shoves the boat back into the water]

JORGE: Baby, I still can’t get the rudder down!

GWYNETH: That’s because you’re in half a foot of water.

JORGE: Oh. OK.

[With the boat now pointed out into the lake, Jorge gives a manly jerk of the rudder. The boat careens off to the right, now aiming for the other set of rocks.]

GWYNETH: No baby, the other way! Turn to the left! The leeeeffftt!

[The boat thuds again into the rocks. Gwyneth dashes out bravely into the bilharzia infested water, pulls the boat off of the rocks, aims the hull at the lake and pushes with all her might. The boat moves forward a few feet, then drifts sideways again]

GWYNETH: Jorge, get the centerboard down! [The boat straightens out, but then tips dangerously to the right in the wind] Let go of the sail! [The boat straightens up] OK, now steer left! The other left!

[Finally, the boat hits open water, and Jorge is safe at last.]

JORGE: Baby, are you sure you don’t want to come with us?
[Gwyneth just smiles, waves the men off on their way as though she has done this sort of thing many times before, and breathes a sigh of relief as the boat moves farther and farther away, before turning to head up to the lake house and dutifully await her menfolks' return.]

5 comments:

Jesse said...

When I visit you - Jorge can take me hiking but only you will be taking me out on the water! Sending you love and much gratitude for starting my day with a smile and laughter!

Dad said...

Did they get back safely??!!!?? (The puncuation marks connote breathless anticipation)
It seems that every time I look at the Malawi News someone has drowned in the lake. A couple of policemen last time I seem to recall.
Nice to know that your week on the Norfolk Broads is paying dividends.
(Nice entry, by the way. Will Jorge ever forgive you?)

Miriam said...

HILARIOUS!!

Joy said...

Yeah, Jorge will forgive you, because of that first sentence. :-) So funny!!

Bonnie Jacobs said...

This is hilarious and was exactly what I was looking for when I googled "men sailing" when I was looking for a photo. I posted your link here:
http://essenciaisland.blogspot.com/2008/01/sailing-sideways.html

I called my post "Sailing sideways" but that blog doesn't have comments. You are welcome to comment on my other blog, Bonnie's Books, where I have added you to my blog list:
http://bonniesbooks.blogspot.com/

Thanks for the good laugh.