Monday, August 27, 2007

Got a boogie in your butt

Does anyone even remember that old Eddie Murphy song? Anyway, this is an old story, but I asked and Jorge says it's OK to write.

When Jorge got home from Tanzania, he said “Hey baby, look at my butt. What are these?” I looked and saw that he had several red welts on his backside. We figured it was bug bites, and waited a couple days to see if they cleared up. Instead, the bumps just grew, and became painful and itchy. I urged Jorge to go to the doctor. He stubbornly refused.

A week later I went to the doctor myself for a checkup. Jorge asked me to ask about the bumps. I told him that any doctor worth his salt would need to physically examine the bumps to make a diagnosis, and that I couldn’t just waltz in to the doctor’s office and ask for medicine for an undiagnosed problem for an invisible patient. Jorge just got mad at me.

So we go off to Thailand, Jorge scratching his booty in agony at all the temples, museums, and shops. Every 30 minutes or so I would repeat: “I really think you need to see a doctor about that,” which usually sent him off on a tirade about how it was all my fault anyway. Jorge tried several painful home remedies involving poking, squeezing, and burning. One morning after a particular vigorous attempt to dislodge the little buggers, I took a look and saw that the bumps were very clearly moving. You could see a little raised line along the path they had taken.

Finally, tired of the whining, I went into a pharmacist’s and, sure that it was worms, asked what medicine we could give. Of course, she insisted on taking a look at the bumps. So there was poor little Jorgy, standing in the middle of the pharmacist’s office with 4 little Thai women bending over and looking at his butt very closely, giving an occasional prod. The pharmacist stood up and told Jorge “I think you have Herpes.”

Exasperated, we bought some Cortisone cream and went on with our trip.

When Jorge got back to Malawi he finally went to the doctor, where the diagnosis was Subcutaneous Larva Mobilus. I’m not much good at Latin, but even I can figure out what that means. Little Worms Moving Around Under Your Skin.

We like to joke what a good caretaker Jorge is. Not only did he provide his little pets with shelter and food, he even took them on vacation with him! As for the creatures, Jorge got medicine to kill them, but his butt looks pretty bad still. I think he waited too long to get treatment and they went ahead and laid eggs in his tush. So let that be a cautionary tale to all of you. When your wife tells you to go the doctor, GO. Before you go all Alien and things start bursting out of your body.

3 comments:

Lex said...

oh dear god, remind me NEVER to grab jorges butt!

Gwyneth said...

OK Lex: Don't ever grab Jorge's butt.

There are worse repercussions than larva mobilus, after all.

Jesse said...

Such a disgusting little tale! How you always make me laugh! Hope his alien baby die swiftly!